I Want To Cry...But I Have to be More Mature Than That.

Ever have that awful feeling in the pit of your stomach...the kind where you just want something else to happen to cheer you up?  So I had a home meet today.  I have one more meet left in my entire track career.  What did I do?  I blew it.  I mean, I can't exactly say that.  I skied over 11 feet.  Today was supposed to be the day I cleared 12' 7'' to provisionally qualify for nationals.  I moved my grip up on my pole last week, and things were going great in practice. The wind was at my back, I felt great, and I didn't get on a big enough pole.  I had enough height to clear 12' 7'' (at least I felt like I did) but the poles I was on at 11'7 were too soft, and I bumped the bar down on all three tries.  Tara almost cleared 13'1'', but did provisionally qualify at 12'7''.  So not only did I not do well in front of all of the people I knew, she showed them how bad I REALLY did.  I am very proud of her.  I'm normally a very good sport about things...it's just the fact that I don't have another year, heck, I don't even have another WEEK, to redeem myself.  The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel was doing a story on my mom, and I wanted to do really well for them and my mom.  I hate it how when I go to work, everybody asks how I did, or ask why I'm not clearing 13 feet yet, or why I'm not vaulting as well as that Tara girl.  I just for once want to be REALLY GOOD at something, not mediocre like I always am.  I just want to win one title, have my name on the headline, before I'm done.  Now I only have one more chance to do that.  I know I'm totally feeling sorry for myself right now, which I shouldn't be doing....it's just so hard not to.  I look back at all of the work I've put into this sport...all I have given up to be a UW Track Athlete.  I know what happened today, I know why I didn't go higher, I just wish it didn't happen.  I wish I was on the right poles, I wish I had the right mindset, and I wish I could just win something.  Pole vault is a very frustrating sport.  First of all, if you are off just a little bit, you knock the bar down; it's all or nothing.  In the 100 meter, if you are off a little bit, your time is a little slower, but it is not over for you.  Today I had so much height, but I was off....and now I feel like crap.  Another thing about the vault is you always have to end on a bad note.  Even if I did clear 13 feet today, I would still miss three attempts at 13'6.  Anyway, don't get me wrong.  I'm usually not a sore loser, I am just very frustrated that I have only one meet left in my entire life, so if I blow it again, I leave the sport with a sour taste in my mouth.  Sorry, every sentence in this post was very random.  I just had to write stuff down somewhere, and it sort of came out here.  I'm going to go take a shower, I smell.